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November 3rd, 2009
October 9th, 2009
11:27 pm
i wish i had something important and thrilling to report. but i don't. i went to the paramount to see some clark gable movie. i have never seen a clark gable movie. they showed old betty boop cartoon before the movie...including the one where betty boop dips into to ink to darken her skin and do a hula (?) dance. really nice. oh, and dress like an indian.
the movie was....meh. i am not too impressed, but i guess i did not expect to be. oh, it was called "it happened one night" i think. the seats, though wide, and fat friendly in that sense, were not comfortable. but that may be because i pulled a muscle, or pinched something in my chicken wing, while trying to put on too tight jeans...which got the ax for yoga coulotts (?). i am so stylish these days.
i miss my girlfriend who is in amsterdam/den haag for a month. well, its been 2 weeks, so 2 more weeks to go. she is finally getting closure and i could not be more happy for her. theres not been much room for anything else but anger and pain in our year together. i am hoping that will change. she seems clear and rational and that makes me happy.
me, on the other hand? ha. i am an angry, angry duck. oh yes i am. i started going to coda, again. well, i have been to one meeting. i am angry at myself and her, for allowing anger to be our guide. but i cannot change it. i guess time and space has given me an opportunity to find my angry voice. but i am hoping i can keep it under wraps.
we are at odds right now, because of my bullshit. its really hard not to be a defeatist. is that a word?
i am going to lay flat on my back in hopes that my chicken wing feels better. and day dream about my love. which is nothing new. i spend more time fantasizing about her, than i do making those fantasies come true. sad. sad. but everydays is a new beginning, yes? or am i kidding myself?
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September 29th, 2009
07:23 am - mom dream
this morning, rochelle woke me up at around 3am. she said i had been talking and wailing and talking in my sleep. i guess she heard what i was dreaming. i was telling my mom i was gonna come see her. she had finally answered the phone from her hospital bed, and told me she was sick again, that "it" was in her throat and they needed to shave it off. in my dream, my mom looked like cher. she didn't look like cher, too much but they definitely shared the cheekbones. in my dream, she told me she wanted me to burn her a cd w/ the eurythmics "sweet dreams". i was on limewire trying to find it. when i called her, she was gasping to breathe, and so was she. i said: i am going to tell dad to buy me a ticket to see you". and when i was trying to tell people what was going on, hardly anything would come out of my mouth because i could not catch my breath. when i said goodbye, i could hear her choking.
when i woke up, my pillow was already soaked, and my face covered with snot and tears and i was sobbing, hyperventilating. and rochelle kept saying: sophia, honey, wake up, its a dream. its a dream, its ok.
and i kept trying to convince her that my mom was sick again. so she just let me talk and cry.
and then i realized, none of it was real. and shes gone. i dont know if it was more heartbreaking to realize she was dead all over again, or to think she was sick again.
i remember when she first started getting fluid in her lungs, she simply felt like she could not cath her breath, and her fucking idiot asshole doctor tried to convince us that it was psychosomatic (sp?). healthcare in puerto rico is shit and i have a lot of anger about it. not because they could have maybe saved her life, but because she suffered way too long and was trated horribly. and IGNORED. and i am pissed at myself for coming back to my life, because i felt like i had to keep on keepin' on. death is not fair. esp. when the person you are losing lives in another country.
i dont know if i posted this, but about a month ago i went to the san leandro marina. my mom and i lived down there. i pass by the house just to...see the house we lived in, the bouganvilla i planted for her. its grown so fucking HUGE. the last time i drove by, the planters (fake terra cotta) i have hung on her windows when i was 25, with a lover, had been removed. they were sitting on the side of the house. it made my heart hurt. so i stopped and slowly walked up to the house. to ask the tenants if i could have the (disposed of) planters. out came a woman who was familiar. i heard her voice and said: maria? did you work with my mom? and she put her hand over her mouth. and she realized i was rachels daughter.
maria was in a bad place with several children when my mom was moving and my mom arranged for her to take over the house. my mom left her dishes. she showed me the collander i gave my mom, which she uses now. she let me in the house, and i felt paralyzed. i lived there with my mom! she said she has some dishes in the garage my mom left her. incl. some margarita mugs. she told me when she cleans out her garage she will get them to me. i have not heard from her, but its ok. i can stop by there.
and before i left, she said to me: your mom was sick when was still here.
and i just said "i know".
i dont know because my mom admitted it, though she did admit to me in the hospital that she knew she was getting sick for some time. which enrages me.
but since i was a child, i predicted my mom would get sick and die. i also predicted my parents divorce. i remember a summer before it happened, that i would lock myself in my bedroom, lay on the bottom bunk and imagine what it would be like when my parents got divorced. i would end up crying. i was only 7, i think. no one believes me when i tell them this. they say i am crazy, but i am not.
so when my mom decided to tell me in a parking lot that she and us kids were moving out for a summer, i cried, because i knew better. the pineapple soda she gave me didn't make the blow any easier either.
but i digress. i miss my mom and i know everyone in my life is sick of hearing about it, and frankly, i am sick of talking about losing her, and making myself to be a victim of some tragic happenings. everyones mom dies. not at 51 usually, but they die. i am no exception. and i wish i could stop being a victim to her death, but it feels so unjust. and though i talk about it, i do not allow myself to fully grieve. i can only let go to the grief in my sleep. i have no armor when i sleep. this dream thing? its not the first time it happened, and i am certain it wont be the last.
sometimes i have good, matter of fact kinda dream about her, and it feels like, i am subconsciously making memories or/with her. i just wish she were not dead.
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May 25th, 2009
08:10 pm - fat arm tattoo (x-posted on fats)
here it is. the calavera/calaca i had drawn to commemorate my deceased mother. i just had the outline done.
this was done by rocio arteage at diving swallow in oakland. shes pretty cute!
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May 1st, 2009
09:15 am - and thats all folks....
today is my last day at work. i have been here going on 6 years. we are going in for our exit interviews in 10 minutes. its surreal and im all kinds of fucked up about it. i was so cavalier, and i am here to tell you, i am no longer. i am pretty freaked out. i really hate saying good bye, i just want to sneak out of here, but i feel like i owe it to the people that ive spent so much time with not to do that. this is surreal. and like million of other american, i am officially unemployed. so i guess what i am feeling, i am not feeling alone.
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April 29th, 2009
09:57 am - artichokes were created for breakfast
omg, my gf packed me such a yummy lunch. of which naturally, i am eating for breakfast. she boiled artichokes in pickling spice (!!!!!) and made a lime and garlic aioli (sp?) and i am in HEAVEN right now. oh, how i cannot wait to get to the tender heart (of it all!).
i am l-u-c-k-y.
update: i just ate the heart. and i really would like to eat aioli on everything. thank you.
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April 28th, 2009
10:58 am - things are winding down....
every couple of months i listen to my saved voicemails at work. mostly to hear my moms voice.
today, as i am cleaning off my desk, as i only have 3 more days of work left, i remembered those messages were there. i am so grateful that something reminded me, for had i not been reminded, i would have left this place, forgotten about the messages and they would be gone forever.
i contacted our administrator of tech and let them know i had a few messages i would like to somehow save if at all possible, because they were of my mom, who is now deceased. she sent shahin to my desk, and he was so sweet, and asked me to forward the messages to him and he would put them on a disc for me.
so i checked my voicemail and forwarded him a total of 4 messages. two messages from my mom. one in september and one in october. then i sent him one from my tia marta who had called to sing happy birthday to me, for my 31st birthday, which happens to be the day before my mom died. and then another message from jenica, my cousin/neice who happens to be my mothers god daughter. she called very professionally, saying she was returning my call, as she thought people listen to my messages. i had not called her, and yet she called me, while i was on the phone receiving the news my mom had just died. she called right then. i hung up and got her voicemail. i dont know how she knew or if she did but its just a day and gesture i hope to not forget.
i am PMSing and maybe thats why it was so....disheartening to hear my moms sick voice, but i guess i should be grateful i can hear it at all. i miss her immensely and i feel really overwhelmed and like i cannot accomplish this move that is coming up fast.
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April 27th, 2009
01:34 pm - balut
i feel like such a jerk for reacting like this...but i went to my co worker hezles cublicle to talk to her, walked up as she was uh....sucking on balut, and i seriously had to walk to away, as to try and not look like a jerk, as the color left my face.
she came to my desk after she ate it and said she understood, but i should try it. i really wish i could. i really, really wish i could but i am afraid i would gag.
and it makes me feel a little bad.
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April 23rd, 2009
08:39 am - Russian River Women's Weekend
I am seriously considering heading up Saturday morning. I have not seen Gwen Avery perform in a long time.
Check it out:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 14th, Thursday –
6:30 pm - 9 pm Early Girl Party at the Triple R, $10 cover
7 pm & 9:30 pm Gwen “Sugar Mama” Avery at Main Street Station, $7 cover (No VIP)
9 pm Lesbian Edition of Extreme Trivia with Sister Scarlet Billows at the Triple R, no cover
May 15th, Friday –
1:30 pm – 4:30 pm Early Girl Pool Party at the Triple R, day use fee ($5)
6 pm RAG’s (Russian Area Gals) Party & BBQ at the Rainbow Cattle Company – no cover
6 pm – 8:30 pm Texas Hold’em Tournament at Buck’s, sign-in 6 pm, play 6:30 pm. $40 buy-in, $10 re-buys
7 pm Women’s Weekend Welcome Party at the Triple R – no cover -Country Dan’s Karaoke starts at 9
7 pm & 9:30 pm Gwen “Sugar Mama” Avery at Main Street Station, $7 cover (No VIP)
9 pm Mighty Slim Pickens, a San Francisco based self-proclaimed "what-the-fuck-abilly" band. Blending vintage country, rockabilly. punk, and a whole lotta camp. At Buck’s, $10 cover
10 pm Drag King Contest hosted by the Russian River Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence followed by dancing with DJ Zobieta. At Buck’s, $10 cover.
May 16th – Saturday
10 am – 6 pm Crafts Fair on the old bridge
10 am Motorcycle Run – Meet (with a full tank of gas) at the Bank of America ATM parking lot, east side of Main St. Run out to the coast about 50 miles round trip.
Noon Judy Grahn Book Reading & Signing at River Reader – No cover
Noon – 5 pm Wet Tease Pool Party at the Triple R , Wet T-shirt contest - $10 cover
2 pm Starhawk – Lecture & Spiral Dance at Dawn Ranch (at the boathouse) $5-10 suggested donation.
4 pm Native American Elder ChoQosh Auh’Ho’Oh at Dawn Ranch (at the boathouse) $5-10 suggested donation.
6 pm Drum Circle with Antoinette Kudoto and her drumming ensemble at Dawn Ranch (at the boathouse) $5-10 suggested donation.
7 pm & 9:30 pm Gwen “Sugar Mama” Avery at Main Street Station, $7 cover (No VIP)
7 pm Folk Duo Coyote Grace is a guitarist Joe Stevens, an open FTM, and bassist Ingrid Elizabeth. They have shared the stage with the Indigo Girls, Melissa Ferrick, Cris Williamson & others at dawn Ranch - $10 cover
8 pm -10 pm Bonfire and Drum Circle at Dawn Ranch (at the boathouse) – no cover
9 pm Comedy Show with Jennie McNulty opening for Jennie will be Simone Campbell at River Space - $10 cover
10 pm – 2 am White Party with DJ Mz. Jackson at River Space - $10 cover
May 17th – Sunday
10 am – 6 pm Crafts Fair on the old bridge
Noon – 5 pm Liquid Church Pool Party, Speed Dating, Tattoo Contest at The Triple R - $10 cover
5 pm – 7 pm Rainbow Cattle Company BBQ
5 pm – 9 pm Closing Party at the Triple R – no cover
7 pm & 10:30 pm Wildsang – a great blues duo at Main Street Station, $5 cover (No VIP)
To be added at some place and some time – Jello Wrestling, burlesque girls & belly dancers
VIP Passes $45, also available at the door May 14th & 15th for $50
Single Day Passes for Saturday or Sunday only, $30
More information and VIP tickets at
www.russianriverwomensweekend.org
www.myspace.com/russianriverwomensweekend
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08:09 am
its been a long time since ive slept alone. last night was the first night. true to form, i had weird dreams but cant yet remember them, which is probably a good thing.
i woke up this morning with a headache, neck ache and back ache. oh, and a bloody nose. it lasted a long time and i swear i could hear my heart beating as i was leaning over the sink.
i am more than a little bit in a zone. i kinda wish i could be in a bubble of silence and lack of feelings.
on the drive into work, i was listening to KPFA (Pacifica Radio). it was an episode on marriage, and marriage as we know it, should become civil unions for EVERYONE, and then if people want to get married they can go to their church of choice. this is something i have always agreed with.
i have spent the better part part of my life fantasizing about marriage. but i stopped some months ago. sometimes we need a swift kick to the gut to wake up.
but as i listening to this show, they talked about the importance of taking a vow in front of family and friends. and though i know its not completely true, but i echo what this guy said: when people take a vow to be together, in front of family/friends/community, they have a tendency to stay together.
whereas, when you live with a partner and its bad, its easy to just end the relationship.
i agree with this. it might seem a little antiquated, but i do believe it. and i have had the (dis)pleasure to see this up close and more personal than i could have ever guessed.
now, in some cases, i think taking that vow literally and sticking it out is worth it and in some cases, people just should not have gotten married.
all of this to say, that i dont allow myself to day dream anymore. but when i hear things like this, i do feel a burning sensation, and it actually hurts.
i don't ever expect to be proposed to, and i was never the kind of girl who wanted to propose marriage to someone else.
i am going to go drink my coffee and eat my apple fritter. i don't care of a donut is the last think i need on earth.
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April 21st, 2009
12:23 pm - oh, technology...how i hate to NEED you
my cell phone is being uncooperative. it reads: emergency calls only
i called tmobile and they do not know why, so i need to go into a tmobile store and have it looked at. i have very little patience for this kind of crap. i felt like i was really shitty with tech support when i called in. now i feel bad that i lack patience.
also, my internet at work is being weird, and i dont know why. pages are loading funny, i can see HTML and this is not allowing me to read www.perezhilton.com as much as i would like to.
i am sitting here wondering if i have texts that i cannot receive. how whack is that?
sigh.
on a good note, i talked with my future landlord, and it looks like i can start moving the weekend before june 1st. so thats cool. he let me know the pool is cleaned and ready for use. i cannot wait.
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April 16th, 2009
12:58 pm - one of many reasons why my gf rocks....
not only did she send me to work with chicken salad, green salad, and chopped up veggies....she included a real fork and a cloth napkin, because she really does try not to use disposable crap that fills our land fills.
so cure. so cute.
another reason why she rocks is because she is dorky and humble.
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12:19 pm - Sin Nombre. Seen it?
Have any of you seen this? I saw it last night and would be curious to know other peoples opinions.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) serazin or raybear? You 2 come to mind as people who have maybe seen it?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127715/
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April 14th, 2009
12:38 pm - DESIRE--and how i wish i was excited.
i am not excited about going to DESIRE. i should be, right? i keep thinking about it and i am unmoved. i wish there was something about it that would excite me. maybe as it gets closer, i will be excited. i guess i should be excited about staying in a bungalow with a/c, in palm springs, in june, right?
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11:02 am - Boycott Jamaica anti homophobia protest....
I read this on post queer, and if you are considering advocating the boycott of Jamaica, please read this:
http://jflag.blogspot.com/2009/04/press-release-no-to-boycott-in-san.html
and reconsider.
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April 13th, 2009
10:24 am - Pirates....
i saw this on raybear's journal. and it reminded me that i had wanted to share this article. oh, i had also seen it on rebelgrrrl1's fb.
as i was driving into work, listening to 92.7 Gay/Dance station, i was reminded why i stopped listening to them after the inaug. after the inaug, greg the gay sports caster could not shut the fuck up about how fat aretha franklin is. it was gross (him). and i also feel like he thinks he is the authority on asian culture because he dates asian guys. whatever
so this morning he says: i usually dont condone killing, but KILL THE PIRATES.
what a pig. if i ever see him i am going to tell him to go back to fucking texas. jerk.
so here is the pirate article:
please read it and share.
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/johann-hari/johann-hari-you-are-being-lied-to-about-pirates-1225817.html
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10:15 am - moving
i do not think there is anyone in this world who hates moving as much as i do. of course i love living in a new place. but oh do i hate packing. i am trying to see this move as an opportunity to throw away a bunch of crap. but its hard(er) when the one you love wants to save things, to give away or for whatever reason.
last night, as i was trying to tidy up the love room, i decided to throw away candles. i am not moving with candles that have already been lit. maybe it seems wasteful or whatever, but it was just an opportunity to shed something, and start looking at things and the necessity of them. so when i tell her, she says: no, don't throw those away. i am going to ask jill and laurie if they want them.
i mean, its nice of her, but until we get to see them and ask them, the damn candles sit on the dresser that seems to be a dumping ground for everything. i just would rather throw them away!
i told her that moving forward, i am not mentioning to her what i am getting rid of, i am just doing it. chances are, she would not have even noticed had i not told her.
i hate moving! i wish there was a daily affirmation book for people in the process of moving!
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April 10th, 2009
03:21 pm
oh, sriracha, i wish i could put into words how much i love you. you are fierce.
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11:41 am - do you want a $50 igigi gift card?
i did sine size modeling for igigi and they gave me a gift card for $50. i have had it well over a year. do you want it? its not really a gift card, but its a code. i can order what you want. let me know. i found it cleaning out old email and i feel bad just trashing it.
they have some cool belts. for around that much.
tara?
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08:58 am - weightloss talk....
for the past 1.5 hours, there have been a group of women standing near my cubicle talking about the best dieting methods. they are doing all these weight loss pills from GNC. the consensus is that they all make you piss and shit a lot (sorry). but you lose weight fast.
i am getting really irritated.and it pushes the play button on old tapes.
the thing is, is that these women have been doing this diet thing for months, and i don't see a change. so why not just be fat and deal with that, as opposed to pooping every hour. how irritating.
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